An IVF Journey: Day 4 – Mistletoe and Whine

Following the Owens’ first IVF failure, the couple was cautious about being too optimistic about their second cycle at Bourn Hall Clinic.

They knew that however well a cycle went, it didn’t mean that the end result would be positive. They understood that the eventual pregnancy test, which followed weeks of injections, scans and crossed fingers, might not give them the answer they were looking for.

And sadly, they found out that their second cycle had failed early on Christmas morning 2012. Here Claire shares her disappointment on discovering the pregnancy test results …

Day 4 – Mistletoe and Whine

Man, life is so cruel sometimes. I woke up yesterday, Christmas Day, telling myself to suck it up and put the early negative test out of my head. I told myself we could still enjoy the day and that I should try not to think about IVF at all.

Then the IVF failure fairy beat me round the head good and proper as my period started.

I was actually not going to tell Si so we could have some semblance of a normal Christmas Day. But that resolution lasted all of two minutes, as I burst into tears as soon as I got back into bed.

Our Christmas Day was rubbish. We went through the motions and did enjoy the present bit and had a lovely dinner, but neither of our hearts were in it. How sad that we should find out about an IVF failure on Christmas Day!

I have absolutely no hope of getting a positive result now. I know some women bleed before the end of their two week wait and still get pregnant, and I know that one of the embryos could still be ok. But I know it won’t be the case for us. I hate it when people give graphic descriptions of what’s happening downstairs, but suffice to say it’s extremely unlikely that there is any chance of a good result.

It’s so heart-breaking. I am heartbroken. We are heartbroken. Bizarrely, I want to tell the whole world how devastated we are. I’m so sick of pretending I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’m absolutely devastated and for some reason I want to shout it out loud. I’d better stay at home today. I don’t want to become THAT person.

This was the first Christmas that I’ve found it hard not to have kids. I suppose before this year, there was hope that the IVF could help us. Now, two cycles down, that hope is fading and I just can’t believe that it will ever work for us.

I’m sick of people telling me about these mythical people who had dodgy eggs and half arsed sperm and now have a Von Trapp sized family. “She only had half an egg and his sperm didn’t even have heads!” It’s all said with the best of intentions but it means nothing to me. It does not make me feel better, because as happy as these mythical people are, we’re still in the same s**t position we were when we started.

I feel like I can’t face the world with all its happy families. Every Facebook post is about children (I suppose we’re at that age and obviously Christmas doesn’t help) and my heart breaks into a million pieces when I think that it will never be us.

It is so unfair. I know we will probably consider adoption down the line, but I want so badly to have our own baby. That kid would be so loved.

Claire’s IVF journey continues see related posts below.